I’m not sure what I’m going to do with this yet. I guess I’d like to share some of what’s going on in my life and in my head right now, but I’m also trying very hard not to put too much pressure on or overwhelm myself.

One of the issues I struggle with and have struggled with for the last few years very heavily is finding joy in what I do. To do things for the sake of doing them—to enjoy the process as much if not more than the result. When I get excited about a project, I often am much more excited about the potential end than the process, and any joy in the process quickly evaporates, leading to a feeling of obligation and "grinding". That's a thing that mindfulness is supposed to help with, and I hope it's something I can bring back into my work.  

Right now, I’m working on putting my plaid patterns onto masks, gaiters, notebooks, and a few other things in my threadless shop because I may not be able to easily get these onto flannels or underwear, but I would like to share them regardless. It also gives me a task that I can work on that requires my attention but isn’t too overwhelming. It took me about a week or two just to reach the stage of starting to work on it, though. I hope that this can help me ease back into the more potentially frustrating work of building new patterns.

Aside from that, I have two small art projects I’m doing for friends. I’ve also started streaming games on Twitch and hula hooping for exercise. Losing my job while also going through this divorce has made it impossible to ignore the role that mental health (or a lack of it) is playing in my life. I was relying on being able to fully distract myself from all of the change happening in my life with my work, and with my work gone, I’m left with little choice but to actually confront some challenging aspects of myself and my coping mechanisms. I’ve found it nearly impossible to be creative in my current state of mind.

I am scheduled to finally meet a therapist on May 18th, just under 2 months after I arrived here. I also have a backup plan, in case my appointment with this therapist turns out to be unhelpful, as many of my previous attempts at seeking help have been. I at least know myself well enough to know that not having a backup plan would be a mistake. In the meanwhile, I’ve started a self-help workbook and am just continuing to work on myself and trying to build healthy routines and practices.